Kindness to parents is among the greatest deeds after Tawhid. Allah places the rights of parents next to His own worship in more than one verse. A Muslim who prays and fasts while hurting a mother or father has a dangerous gap in the deen. This article explains the Quranic rank of parents, what birr al-walidayn includes, what to do when parents are difficult, and what is not required — because obedience is not due in haram. It is for learning, not a personal fatwa for a unique family conflict. For that, sit with a qualified teacher who can hear both sides.
Related: akhlaq and dua — wait, correct link: the power of dua.
The Quran places parents next to Tawhid
Allah says, “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be dutiful to parents” (Quran 17:23, meaning). If one or both of them reach old age with you, do not say “uff” to them, do not repel them, and speak to them a noble word. Lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, “My Lord, have mercy on them as they raised me when I was small” (17:23–24, meaning).
English is a meaning of the verses, not a replacement for the Arabic Quran.
The word uff is the smallest sound of irritation. If that is forbidden, then shouting, mocking, and abandoning visits without excuse is worse. Old age is mentioned because that is when patience is expensive: weakness, repetition, fear, and need.
Luqman’s advice in the Quran also joins shukr to Allah with shukr to parents (see Quran 31:14–15). The mother is mentioned with hardship upon hardship. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) put the mother first, then the mother, then the mother, then the father, in the famous hadith in Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim, when a man asked whom he should honour most.
What dutifulness looks like
Speak gently. Visit. Call. Spend on them if they need and you are able. Do not expose their faults. Make dua for them while they are alive and after they die if they died upon Islam. Fulfil their lawful wasiyyah. Keep ties with their relatives, which is part of maintaining the womb.
If they ask for help that is lawful and not ruinous to your own obligatory dependents, help. If they are non-Muslim, you still keep worldly kindness, as Asma’ (may Allah be pleased with her) was told to keep ties with her mother, in Sahih al-Bukhari. You do not obey them in shirk or in cutting salah.
When parents are harsh, sinful, or controlling
Islam does not demand that you help a parent commit haram. Quran 31:15 tells you to accompany them in this world with ma‘ruf even if they strive to make you associate partners with Allah, while not obeying them in that. Ma‘ruf is kindness, not agreement with kufr.
Abuse is real. A victim should seek safety, counselling, and a scholar who understands harm. “Be dutiful” is not a weapon to trap someone in violence. At the same time, do not use a normal strict upbringing as an excuse to cut a parent forever over a taste in career. Sort the case. Do not copy social media scripts.
If parents fight with your spouse, you need justice. Your wife has rights. Your mother has rights. Do not crush one to please the other. This is among the hardest tests. Sit with an imam. Do not conduct the war in a group chat.
After they die
The Prophet (peace be upon him) taught that a child’s dua, a righteous ongoing charity, and beneficial knowledge remain, as in Sahih Muslim. Give sadaqah on their behalf if they were Muslim. Make istighfar. Visit their graves with sunnah manners — no wailing that slaps the face, no calling upon them besides Allah.
Frequently asked questions
Must I live with my parents after marriage?
Not as an absolute in every school and culture. A wife has a right to housing that is suitable. A son must still honour his parents. Arrange visits. Do not disappear.
My parent is Muslim but mocks the deen. What do I do?
Keep salah. Advise with gentleness. Do not join the mockery. Ask Allah to guide them. Seek help if the home prevents your worship.
Learn the dua for parents in four Quranic duas. And Allah knows best.
Note: This article is for learning. It is not a personal fatwa.
